Love and Loss and Stalking
by violinmana
Summary: Chapter 3 - Complete with Ninja Therapy, Stalking, Bestiality, and Fake Horse Wieners.
1. Stalker

It happened one day when Naruto was in Sage mode. He was meditating, looking over the life chakras of the entire village in a secluded training ground like the _[epic and awesome]_ guardian of Konoha he was _[at the grand old age of nineteen!]_

Then he noticed something amiss. There was a chakra source in the bushes twenty meters behind him that hadn't moved for over half an hour. He turned around slowly, monitoring the chakra as it moved in a circle, always behind him. So he had a stalker, did he? Naruto mused for about five seconds before coming up with a plan.

He disappeared from his spot and moved in front of the stalker in a flash of speed. With smiling eyes and a big grin, he announced himself with a cheerful, "Yo!"

Hinata promptly fainted.

Naruto looked at her prone form for a second. "...Huh."

When Hinata finally woke up from her Naruto-themed fantasy, it was approaching dark. There was a note taped to her forehead, on which was scribbled _[in Naruto's cute but barely legible scrawl]_, "Date at Ichiho's tomorrow. 6:00 PM. I made reservations."

She gave out a squeal of delight. Then she realized she would be on a _date_ with _[studly, manly] Naruto_. She fainted again. By the time she woke up _again_, dawn was breaking. And Ino was prodding her with a stick, with the note in her other hand. Ino grinned _[like a wolf grins at a rabbit.] _

Hinata almost fainted again. Oh, the horror.

-----

Hinata stepped into the fancy restaurant, wearing the skintight black dress that Ino had practically forced her into. She hoped Naruto would appreciate it, she really did. She also hoped he would appreciate the lack of underwear _[totally necessary, according to Ino.] _ Looking like a stiff breeze would knock her over _[oh my, it's cold down there!]_, she approached the maître d' at his podium and hesitantly asked, "Ano... excuse me? There's a reservation for... Uzumaki?"

He checked the reservation list. "Ahh, yes. Uzumaki-san is already waiting at a special, out-of-the-way table picked just for you. Follow me, please."

The maître d' picked up two menus and led Hinata through the restaurant, towards the quieter section. The table Naruto _[handsome, gorgeous Naruto] _was placed near the kitchen and surrounded by several large, decorative cacti.

"Hey, Hinata! Here, let me pull the chair out for you!" Naruto leaped out of his chair, brushed _[shoved]_ past the maître d' in his eagerness to perform the chivalrous duty.

Naruto's enthusiastic welcome knocked the unprepared man backwards. As he lost his balance and fell, his hands automatically reached out behind him to cushion the fall - right on top of a cactus covered in inch-long spines. After five seconds of listening to a woman scream right next to him, he realized it was actually his own voice ringing in his ears. Ouch.

After that humiliating debacle, Naruto convinced the maître d' to be their personal waiter for night with a handful of ryo bills _[disappeared at the speed of light into his back pocket.]_ When Hinata expressed concern, the waiter reassured her that, "It's pretty much impossible for you two to embarrass me any further, so the rest of the night should go fine!" Famous last words.

-----

They gazed into each other's eyes above their respective menus. Their waiter, pad in hand _[healed, thank God, by that nice pink-haired woman sitting in a corner with a blond blatantly watching the Couple]_, patiently waited for their orders. He didn't want to ruin the atmosphere by intruding on the intense staring contest.

"I've never had Chicken Kebabs before... I'll try that."

"Ano... I'll have the Stewed Pork on Rice."

"What drinks would you like with those orders? We have quite a selection of fine wines."

"Just a water, man."

"Um, water too, please."

"Yes, sir, madam." He slowly backed away and ran with all his might to the kitchen to escape the staring. [_My god, the staring!]_ He had no idea. Absolutely _no_ idea _[stares like that could curdle entire cows.]_ He also forgot to take the menus with him, the poor man.

"Nice dress, Hinata."

"Thank you, Naruto-kun. I think... that suit fits you very well. You look h-h-handsome in it."

"Aw, thanks, Hinata."

The initial tension abated, but a new sensation of bashfulness replaced it. They buried their faces into their menus, too embarrassed to look up at each other any longer.

-----

A half hour passed, during which Naruto struggled to make conversation. He struggled hard. Real damn hard. Hinata fared even worse, as she could barely say anything more than, "Ano..." or "Um..."

"Err..." Naruto glanced around, trying to find a topic worthy of discussion. "Man, those cactus spikes are really sharp, huh?"

Hinata slumped in her seat and sighed, "Yes they are... ano..."

Eager for a response _[gimme something to work with!]_, Naruto leaned forward and asked, "Yes?"

"Nothing..." _'He probably thinks that I'm a dark weirdo...'_ She stared down at her untouched plate of food. Naruto had finished his plate five minutes ago, and was _[valiantly] _trying to make conversation.

_'What a dark, weird girl.'_ Naruto looked at his date's dish, still filled with completely untouched food. "Uhh..."

Hinata's face mirrored her crush's expression. "Ano..."

The seconds ticked by, until finally Naruto could take no more.

The blond's hand came down on the table, making the silverware rattle and Hinata jump. He clenched his hair and frustratedly declared, "This...This isn't really working out. I mean, aside from agreeing that Neji needs a boot up his ass and I'm the sexiest thing alive, we have absolutely nothing in common! Nothing at all!"

Hinata drooped her head again _[till her chin rested_ _between those magnificent, majestic breasts.]_ "I'm sorry, Naruto-kun..."

Naruto's eyes naturally looked down the magical canyon of her cleavage as he replied, "It's alright. It's not your fault." _'... wow, now I really wish we did have more in common.'_

Hinata started twiddling her index fingers and shamefully confessed, "I am... just not used to being so close to you... or looking at your front."

Naruto scratched the back of his head. Wearily, he said, "Oh, okay. So... I guess this means that dating is out."

Face flaming red, Hinata nervously tried to say, "We can't date, but does that mean...well, c-can I s-still....um..."

Cocking his head to one side, Naruto curiously peered at her and prompted, "Can we still...?"

She squeezed her eyes shut _[please don't hate me]_ and exclaimed in one breath, "CanIstillstalkyouplease?!"

Naruto recoiled as if struck. Hinata's stomach plummeted. Then his brow quirked and he thoughtfully rocked his head from side to side.

Shrugging, Naruto suddenly replied, "Well, if you're still up for the stalking, sure, I'm down for being stalked."

"Really?!" Hinata giddily shrieked. She jumped out of her chair and gasped, "Thankyouthankyou-thankyousomuch!"

Then she dashed out of the restaurant, causing their waiter to drop a pitcher of ice water and an extremely pointy pen onto his big toe. Poor waiter. At least he managed to grab the check as it fell, relieved that it didn't get drenched.

Naruto supposed that he was pleased with how the evening had turned out. Satisfied, he turned and bellowed, "WAITER! CHECK PLEASE!" not realizing the man was standing right next to him.

Startled, the waiter slipped backwards, fell on his ass _[my ryo!]_, and dropped the check into the small pool of water surrounding his feet. _'Well, shit.'_

"Guess that means it's all on the house." Naruto said to himself, then walked out of the restaurant without even leaving a tip.

Poor, poor waiter.

Once outside, Naruto glanced around the dark alley with a worried look on his face. Then as his eyes adjusted to the glare from the streetlights, he spotted Hinata's familiar form crouched in a squat _[wow, her cleavage isn't her only magical canyon]_ behind a trashcan half a block away.

Overcome by a peculiar sense of relief, Naruto gave Hinata a full fledged Nice Guy pose complete with a thumbs up and shiny grin _[... ano, he even got his teeth to ping! So dreamy!]_.

Whistling serenely, Naruto made his way home, feeling his stalker following him, feeling whole and content knowing all was right in the world.

-----

Beta'd and Edited [_and Completely Ruined_] by Kraken's Ghost.


	2. Pointy Infatuation

Love and Loss and Stalking

Chapter Two - Pointy Infatuation

* * *

'There is just something _perfect_ about sparring with Naruto,' Tenten thought.

He wasn't cold and calculating like Neji, yet neither was he bullheaded and straightforward like Lee. His unpredictable and rash nature made him a difficult opponent to quantify, but if she had to venture a guess, Naruto probably laid almost exactly between her teammates. He was enthusiastic, but not a spandex toting lunatic. His eyes glinted with a calculated creativity bordering on the manic. And clever he was, with complex formations of those solid clones of his that challenged her every tactic and gave her the chance to practice her marksmanship against practically endless live targets in infinite variations.

Naruto was a unique and interesting challenge, one who was slowly overwhelming her with his sheer power and _strength_.

Even though Tenten had indiscriminately slaughtered enough clones to tried for multiple war crimes, the tides of orange eventually forced her into hiding with a typhoon of shuriken thick enough to practically walk across. She took cover and hunkered down, looking up in awe as the meters thick, century old trees around her seemingly disintegrated under the erosion of hundreds of thousands of throwing stars imbued with wind chakra. Enough of her tree survived the steel tempest that she only had a few minor splinters when the gale subsided.

Deciding to counter attack while the orange legion's ammo was low, Tenten peeked out the side of the tree and came face to face with an ass.

'That is a fine, fine ass. Such nice and luscious cheeks... wait a second. That ass isn't orange! That's not Naruto!'

With great effort, Tenten tore her eyes away from that mouthwatering ass and forced her eyes up the curves of a decidedly female body. The sight of the girl's long, luxurious dark hair suddenly sparked memories of hours of Neji's jealous ranting.

'It's Hinata.' She looked over the shoulder. 'And there's the Narutos. Why is Hinata staring at the Narutos?'

She watched as Hinata sheared off a thick branch with her chakra to get a better view of the men in the clearing. The motion made her backside flex and jiggle in ways that angels would sing choirs licked her lips as a shiver traveled up her spine. Her thong dampened and her nipples hardened. She glanced up to make sure the dark haired woman hadn't noticed her, then indulged herself in gazing at that ass again.

It was beautiful.

* * *

After the intense training session, they slid into Ichiraku's just ahead of the dinner rush.

"Hey, Naruto. Why was Hinata watching us train earlier?" Tenten finally asked, still somewhat bewildered from the surreal incident.

Naruto shrugged. "It's just what she does. Hey, Ayame? Can you send a chicken ramen to that bush over there?"

Ayame looked over his shoulder where his thumb was pointed and rolled her eyes.

Tenten watched as the waitress carried a steaming bowl across the street and held it out to a bush. A hand shot out of the shrubs and snatched it out of Ayame's hands. In her haste, Hinata acidentally allowed her ass to peek out from her hiding spot.

Her breath quickened and Tenten had to restrain herself from rubbing her legs together.

Naruto's sharp nose somehow caught a strange scent wafting through the plumes of ramen steam. It was a peculiar scent and one he'd only ever smelled on Hinata befo-...wait.

'Is Tenten turned on? Because of _me_? Score!'

Striking while the iron was hot, Naruto proposed, "Hey Tenten, you wanna go on a date with me?"

"Oh _yes_," Tenten purred, still mentally devouring those lush butt cheeks. Then she blinked and rewound the conversation in her head.

'Oh, _shit_.'

"Great, see you at 8 the day after tomorrow at Ichiho's!" Naruto cheerfully declared, before dashing off down the street.

'Oh damn. I'm have to see Ino later. I have no idea of what to do on a date... or even what to wear.' Tenten mentally grumbled.

A thumbs-up suddenly appeared next to the ass she was still subconsciously admiring. Tenten stared in pure bemusement as the bush sprouted legs and followed after Konoha's loudest ninja.

Wait. Hinata...actually approved of this?

* * *

"So, that's the problem Ino. I accidentally accepted a date with Naruto yesterday after sparring."

Ino shifted on her bed. "How's that a problem? Naruto's a stud. Half the women in Konoha want to nail him."

"Uh..." Tenten quickly looked away, her face growing red at the thought of explaining that Naruto's stalker had caught more of her attention than Naruto himself.

Dismissively waving the matter away, Ino went on, "Nevermind, there's more important things to worry about. Where's this date gonna be at?"

"He said it's at Ichiho's. You know, that classy place two blocks down from the Tower?" Tenten shifted nervously on the chair. "I kind of feel bad for leading him on..."

"Don't be, Tenten! That's where Naruto took Hinata for their date and I heard they had a great time! Oh man, Hinata was so nervous she couldn't get into my dress properly!"

Tenten shifted again, though this time not from nerves. Just the mention of Hinata's name made her itch in an all too enjoyable way.

Then her brain caught up to Ino's mouth.

Affronted, Tenten demanded, "Wait, _Naruto_ took _Hinata_ out on a date there?"

Leaning away from the other woman's unnaturally intense stare, Ino slowly nodded.

Rapid fire, Tenten rattled off, "What dress did she wear? How did you do her makeup? What..."

"Whoa, whoa, hold on there." The blonde got off her bed and rooted around in her closet for a second, before coming out with the black dress and high-heeled shoes. "Hinata really stretched this dress out a bit. I haven't had a chance to wash it yet."

Tenten's face went blank as a Hyuuga's, except for the drool oozing out of the corner of her mouth.

"She looked so good in this and she wasn't even wearing any makeup. Not that you need to with this dress." Ino winked with a vicious smile. "This dress is proven to get the guy you want."

"Gimme that!" By the time Ino finished talking, Tenten had already stripped off all of her clothes and grabbed the dress. She put it on, and admired herself in the mirror. "Damn, I look good. Ooh, does this dress actually push up my boobs?"

Ino reached around from behind to firmly grab onto the brunette's breasts. Raising as impressed eyebrow, she said, "Wow, you're almost as well endowed as Hinata there. Although, your ass is a bit smaller."

Tenten didn't even notice Ino groping her, lost in the mental image of Hinata slinking around in this thing. "You know, it really _is_ roomy down here. Hehehe... oh crap, is that the time?! I'm almost late!"

Without another word, Tenten threw open the window and jumped to an adjacent rooftop, giving Ino a unfettered look underneath her dress. Or rather, what wasn't under her dress.

Ino glanced at two garments still lying on her bed with a raised eyebrow. It seemed in her haste to get out of the room, Tenten had forgotten her thong and bra. Licked her lips, the blonde temptress picked up the thong and took a deep sniff. Her eyes widened.

'Damn, that girl's on _fire_. I hope Naruto can survive that.'

Another thought occured to her. Smugly victorious, Ino declared aloud, "I knew she was lying about it being an _accident_!"

The blonde closed her window, paused, then drew the shades. She made sure her door was locked, then took off her own panties and slipped on Tenten's thong.

"Mmm..."

* * *

In her limited experience, Tenten thought the date was going reasonably well. They had good food, good wine, and an excellent dessert that would most likely go straight to her ass. Naruto had paid for everything, waving off her protests by claiming he made more than enough from the Icha Icha royalties.

The only problem thus far was her seriously aching feet, a result of running across rooftops in high heels. By the time dessert was finished, the pain had become almost unbearable. Fortunately, the waiter was kind enough to retrieve a footstool from the corner of their room that allowed her to rest her feet a little. Being a kunoichi, and thus more indifferent to proper lady mannerisms, she allowed her legs to casually spread apart.

Tenten was completely oblivious to the stare that Naruto was giving her bared magical canyon. Her completely shaved magical canyon.

The late hour was catching up to her, she noted as she yawned. She stretched her arms up, ignorant of the motion's effect of raising her hemline that much higher, and asked a question that had been bugging her for days.

"You do realize that Hinata is stalking you, right?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, of course. She's been stalking me for a while now," Naruto said as he hid his salivating mouth behind his cup of coffee. "Actually, looking back on it, I'm pretty sure that she's been stalking me since we were in the Academy. I guess I just never noticed until recently."

"Wait, you _know_ she's stalking you? And you didn't think to get her help?" Tenten huffed as she crossed her legs, not noticing Naruto's face fall at the move. "You know..._professional_ help?"

"Honestly, no. It's not the worst habit I've ever seen from a ninja. Seriously, just look at your team. Gai and Lee spout out stuff about Youth all the time, Neji uses up a 32 oz. bottle of shampoo a day, and you..." Naruto trailed off as his face scrunched in thought. "Come to think of it, I'm not really sure what you do. I've never really seen you around much."

"And you? What's your habit that makes stalking seem tame?" Tenten curiously asked, eager to know more about the most infamous Konoha ninja that wasn't a genocidal traitor.

"I dream that the Kyuubi is actually a cute nine-tailed loli kitsune named Sayuri. It's extremely disturbing, to tell you the truth." Naruto casually replied, though the slightly haunted look in his eyes belied his carefree expression.

His hair suddenly combusted into flames.

"Waaaaai! Fire!" Panicking, Tenten reflexively threw her cup at coffee on Naruto's head. Though it doused the flames, the hot beverage still added its fair share of blisters and second degree burns in return.

"...I think I just figured out your particular habit. If you'll excuse me, I need to go home to wash...and cut my hair...and find some burn ointment." Naruto stood, while tenderly poking the blisters on his scalp. After he paid their tab off, he politely motioned for his date to follow him. "After you, Tenten. No offense, but I think this evening's a bust."

'Damn it, and the cushion on this footstool was so comfy...' Tenten frowned as she lifted her feet of the squishy, yet firm cushion. "Alright, let's go."

After the door had closed, the footstool poofed into Hinata.

"Whew, Tenten-san almost caught me there..." She rubbed her ass and frowned. "Her feet are really heavy."

* * *

Though his friends would never believe it, Naruto liked meditation. Really.

After a hard day of working as Kakashi's assistant handling the endless piles of paperwork that somehow appeared in the office, he really needed to clear his mind. Quite frankly, the job of Hokage was an utterly horrifying one. To his dying day, he would never understand _how_ some people managed to make sanctioned murder _boring_, but Konoha's bureaucrats managed to pull it off with disturbing ease. After dealing with all that crap, he needed to remind himself exactly _why_ he wanted to become Hokage in the first place.

Settling into the lotus position with his back leaning against a training log, he prepared to enter the Sage trance. Just as all tension was seeping out of him, someone poked his shoulder.

"KYAAAAAAH!"

"Ano... Naruto-kun, you scream like my little sister when Lee-kun tells her stories about that Itachi boogieman," Hinata observed, while timidly poking her fingers together.

Observing the proceedings from a distant bush, Tenten had a different thought.

'Naruto screams like Neji when Hanabi switches his premium salon shampoo with a generic brand.'

"Holy crap..." Naruto put his hand over his chest, willing his pounding heart to beat slower. "Aren't you supposed to be... you know, in that bush over there?"

Hinata stared at the ground, blushing.

Naruto gestured behind him impotently. "You know?! Stalking me?! Not scaring me!"

"B-But, Tenten-san is st-stalking me! And Ino-san is stalking her!" She rubbed her index fingers together and blushed. "I-Is this what being stalked f-feels like? Does it always... feel so good?"

Naruto blinked. And blinked some more. Then he added a long, blank stare for good measure.

To Hinata, he looked uncannily similar to Neji the last time Hiashi told him he'd been enrolled in an anonymous support group for grooming addicts.

After half a minute of Hyuuga impersonation, Naruto decided he'd had enough of his own bizarre life for one day.

"Screw this, I'm heading home." He declared before trudging off into the distance.

Hinata stood for a moment, weighing the opposing pressures of politness and staring at Naruto while he took a hot shower. Needless to say, nearly two decades of training in noble etiquette was defeated instantly as she started to drool in anticipation.

She hadn't been gone for more than a moment when Tenten emerged from the bushes to pursue that amazing ass she'd been following around all day.

And soon after Tenten had left, the bushes shook again, revealing Ino as she left her hiding place. The blond smirked, changed the tape in her camcorder, then slowly followed after the rest of the chain of stalkers.

* * *

Beta'd and Edited by the Ectoplasmic Calamari.

A/N: Tenten is a hawt lesbian.

BS/N: All kunoichi are freaks.

* * *

A/N2: Expect a story about Lee telling Hanabi bedtime stories soon.


	3. Ninja Therapy

Love and Loss and Stalking

Chapter 3 - Ninja Therapy

"Tsunade-shishou promised me that she would let me retire from being a therapist months ago. Why the hell do I have to keep doing this crap?" Sakura slammed her sake saucer down on the bar, creating a sizable indent.

"Sakura-chan..." Naruto whined, "You dragged me out of my apartment to here, saying that you wanted to catch up, and you're already wasted after a small bottle of..." He turned the bottle so that he could read the label, "Holy shit, this is 180 proof sake?"

The self-claimed therapist cuffed him on the back of his head, staring straight into frightened blue orbs with a unfocused green gaze. "Now listen here, _teammate_. I have four appointments tomorrow that I really, _really_ don't want to do. You know what they are? _You know who they are_?"

He squeaked out a very nervous no.

The medic let go of her best friend and put her head in her arms, facedown on the bar, and sighed. "Three _fucking_ Hyuuga and that pig," she muttered.

He scratched his head in confusion. "Hold on a sec, Tonton goes to therapy?"

"Ino, you idiot!" She threw him out of the window.

After a filling lunch at the Hyuga household, Hinata, Neji, and Hanabi traveled as a group across Konoha's rooftops in order to get to the therepist's office. And of course, Neji and Hanabi were both aware of Tenten trailing behind them. Hinata remained blissfully ignorant.

"Hinata-sama, you do realize that there is someone following us, right?"

Hinata widened her eyes. 'Byakugan!' She swung her head from side to side, but couldn't find anyone behind her. "Ano... who?"

"... Never mind."

Tenten managed to stay in Hinata's blind spot the entire time. The power of stalking truly is frightening.

Haruno Sakura sat in a chair as her first patient walked in. "Please, Hinata, go ahead, lie down, and make yourself comfortable." She waited until the black-haired beauty lied down on the couch and stuck her hands down her pants, and then asked, "So, how are you feeling?"

"I'm... ano... I'm feeling horny, Sakura-san."

"And why is that?"

"I was stalking Naruto-kun all morning long. It felt... very good, like a fire had erupted in my loins. A warm, cozy fire."

"Is that why your hand are down your pants?"

"I want to keep this feeling for as long as possible, and..."

As Hinata kept talking, Sakura slowly lowered her head into the palms of her hands. This was going to be a very, _very_ long hour.

**Fifty minutes later...**

"Thank you, Sakura-san, for that great session. I will put your suggestions about stalking Naruto-kun to use!"

"Yeah, sure," she replied weakly, bottle of sake in one hand and a notepad in the other. "Can you call Neji in for me?"

Hinata opened the door and walked out, leaving some sticky residue on the doorknob. "Neji-nisan, um, sorry to bother you, but it's your turn now." Inside the room, Sakura looked at the doorknob dripping... _stuff_ onto the carpet. She shuddered, with revulsion or with desire, even she didn't know.

"So, Neji, how is your life going?"

The male Hyuga prodigy sighed. "Not so well. Both of my teammates... I think they're beyond repair, and they're annoying me beyond frustration. All Tenten can think of is Hinata, and all Lee wants to do is tell Hanabi more Itachi stories that he made up."

"That does sound... difficult."

"Of course it's difficult. It's getting so hard that my hair has almost lost it's shine."

The pink-haired ninja looked hard. "But it doesn't look like your hair has lost any of it's shine..."

"Yes it has."

"But..."

In a tone that didn't allow any argument, Neji repeated, "Yes. It. Has."

Sakura sighed. Time to make this worse. "Have you ever tried using the brand Shinobi Naturals? I use it, and so does Kakashi's summon Pakkun. Both their shampoo and conditioner have a multitude of vitamins that enhance your hair..."

**Fifty minutes of discussing hair products later...**

Sakura punched a hole in the wall after Neji just insulted her favorite brand of shampoo. "Go. Just go."

"But..."

"No excuses! You have to try out the brand before you can say anything bad about it!"

Neji positively quivered under her glare. "But... Hanabi-sama..."

"Just go. I'll call Hanabi in myself." Neji reluctantly nodded, then jumped out of the hole in the wall and headed to the Bath and Body Works in downtown Konoha.

"Hyuga Hanabi. One of the greatest shinobi the Hyuga has ever produced. So... what's new in your life?"

"You'll have to be more specific, Sakura-sensei. That is too broad of a query."

She sighed. "How were you feeling in the time between your last appointment and this one, Hanabi-chan?"

"I have been feeling... lost lately. As if I do not know my true purpose in life. My goal seems so unreachable, especially with all of the stories that Lee-san has been telling me."

Sakura flipped her notes to a previous page. "Wasn't your goal to defeat Uchiha Itachi? I understand why that seems like such a hard goal to meet. After all, I have met Itachi once in battle before."

Hanabi sat up, spine ramrod straight. "So it's true? You fought Uchiha Itachi... and lived to tell the tale?"

"Lie back down, Hanabi-chan." She complied. "I didn't fight Itachi on my own, but I fought him with my team. Even with me, Kakashi-sensei, Naruto, and Chiyo of the Sand, we barely managed to defeat him." Sakura pressed her hand down on Hanabi's shoulder, preventing her from sitting up again. "And even then, we discovered that it was a clone of Itachi with only about 20 percent of his true power. Itachi is probably the single most powerful person in the world. But even the most powerful people have fatal weaknesses. You just have to find them and exploit them."

The dark-haired girl frowned. "But... how do I find his weakness?"

"You should ask your own sister, Hanabi-chan. She knows all of Naruto's secrets and weaknesses."

Like a light shining through a cloudy day, Hanabi saw the answer in all of its simplicity. She nodded gravely. "I understand my true purpose in life now. I must stalk Uchiha Itachi in order to discover his weaknesses, and then take him down in order to protect Konoha from his power."

Sakura gaped. "That... wasn't..."

"Thank you, Haruno-sensei, for divining my true purpose in life. You are truly worthy of the title Ninja Therepist. I will now take my leave." She stood up, bowed deeply in the general direction where Sakura was sitting, and jumped out of the hole in the wall towards the Hokage Tower.

"... well, since that took only fifteen minutes, I have the next forty-five minutes to fuck myself over with alcohol. I just sent a promising young shinobi to her death."

However, when she opened the door to the waiting room, Inuzuka Hana was in the process of knocking, accidentally knocking on Sakura's forehead.

*WHAM!*

"Some therapist you are, hitting your client in the face," Hana groused, rubbing her newly repaired nose.

"I said I was sorry already! I even fixed your nose for you!"

Akamaru barked twice, howled once, and whimpered in the general direction of the Hokage monument. "Akamaru says that since you hit me in the face, you owe him a therapy session," the Inuzuka translated. Sakura blinked. "Err... he also wants you to know that Kiba thinks that your body is perfectly per-portioned, and that you always smell nice, like some kind of flowers that Akamaru doesn't remember the name of."

"Wait, what?"

Hana translated the various barks, howls, and whimpers. "Kiba heard from Naruto that you give therapy to pigs, so he thought, 'Why not dogs?'"

Sakura facepalmed. "Not that, the Kiba part!"

"Oh, he says that Kiba put him up to it. Akamaru himself thinks that you smell like blood, urine, and strawberries covered in shit."

"... I'm sorry, but I need some more alcohol to deal with this. I'm going across the street to the liquor store, and I'll be back in ten to fifteen minutes, so just... wait here. Make yourselves comfortable." She gestured to the couch and table, and walked out the door and closed it firmly behind her.

"Akamaru, did you hear that? She told us we could make ourselves _comfortable_." The huge white dog barked twice, and started slobbering.

Ten minutes later, the therapist was crossing her waiting room with a dozen bottles of rice wine, when she heard a series of loud barks emanating from her office. Curious, she first tossed the three empty bottles into the trash and deposited the remainder onto the empty receptionist's desk. Sakura opened the door to her office, and stopped dead in her tracks, all drunkenness wiped from her system. Hana was on her knees, her pants pulled down, and hands on the coffee table Yamato made her. Akamaru was positioned right behind the Inuzuka, his front paws on Hana's back.

"Um..." The two women muttered in unison. One muttered it in confusion, the other moaned it because her insides got... shifted.

Haruno wrenched her eyes away from the pairing in front of her upwards towards the clock next to the huge gaping hole in the wall. She wondered idly if the two knew they were giving Konoha a free show, blushed, turned away, and said loud enough for the two to hear, "I have thirty minutes left before my next patient. When I come back in twenty, I had better see you both gone, and this room completely, utterly, perfectly _spotless_. Understand?" Without waiting for an answer, she closed the door to her office behind her, sprinted to the nearest bar, and started drinking. Again.

Five minutes before her appointment with Ino, Sakura quietly opened the door to her office, seeing no one there. Sighing with relief, she collapsed onto her therapist's chair, enjoying the silence.

"Heya, Forehead!"

She threw her fists in front of her in surprise, grazing Ino's shoulder. "Wah! What... what are you doing here?"

Ino looked slightly hurt. "Well, it's time for my appointment, right?"

"Well, yeah, but I was sort of hoping for you to come through the door, not that hole in the wall..." She took a better look at her friend's face. "Hey, Ino, you look really red. You alright?"

Ino laid down on the couch. "Well, sort of. I'm hoping that you would help me with that. You see..." She pulled up her purple miniskirt. "I've become addicted to Tenten's thong!"

"Wait, what?" Sakura leaned forward, looking closer. "Is that entire thing wet? And I can see the outline of..."

"Yep, it's wet. I was watching Akamaru hump Hana the entire last hour from the roof of that building over there. Then they stopped an hour ago... I was so disappointed!" She threw herself onto Sakura's lap and started grinding. "Please help me!"

"But... it's not moral..."

"This is what you ninja therapists do, right? You make better ninja by molding them, making their disorders grow and introducing new ones! Come on, Forehead! Mold me with your hands! Show me the way to a better disorder!"

"But... I don't..." The therapist sighed, then stuck her middle finger straight into the middle of that enticing black thong. "You know, after all I've been through today, why the fuck not? Let's do this thing."

On the roof directly overlooking the office, Tsunade put down her binoculars. "Good girl. Shizune, let's go buy that double-ended horse dildo, alright?"

"Of course, Tsunade-sama. As long as you don't stick it into my vagina again. Healing that was a bitch."

A/N: It's Kraken's fault. Completely. And Nugar's fault. Somewhat. DAMMIT NUGAR I TOLD YOU TO STOP HUMPING MY LEG!


End file.
